Tomb Raider: The Abridged Version
by Mr. Thumbsup
Summary: For people with short attention spans! The first Tomb Raider, condensed to 1336 words. T-Rated, crackfic. Not recommended for those without a sense of humor.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Tomb Raider or anything that may be referenced in this fic.**

**I got such great feedback from my fic, _Persona 4: The Abridged Version, _that I figured I might as well do a follow-up. I doubt it'll be as good as my first, but I might as well try. Everything in this fic is meant in good humor. So that being said, let's get rolling.**

**1-2-3-4-5-4-3-2-1**

Opening Sequence

We start off with an extreme close-up of a snake's eye, possibly the most random place a game has ever started, expecially when one considers that fact that no snakes actually appear in gameplay. An explosion occurs, most likely a nuke set off by the US in a testing ground. Convieniently, this blast destroys everything except the lovely Queen Natla's ice prison. Apparently Atlantean ice is explosion-proof. (NUKES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY)

Despite the nuke not destroying the prison, Natla is somehow still able to on her own, and somehow is not noticed by the countless scientists and guards that set this whole nuke test up.

Flash fifty years forward to 1996, where our heroine is talking to a sterotype that offends everyone that was ever born in the southern US. Depending on which version of the game you have, she'll respond to his come-on either vaguely flirtatiously or as cold and stoically as any other large-boobed heroine, because, as we all know, large-boobed hollywood heroines chew more carpet than a dog with rabies.

Larson uses a laptop to introduce Lara to that Buxom Bitch Businesswoman Jacqueline Natla, who seduces Lara into going into the middle on a country that was desert in _TR:Legend_ but icy-cold in this game to find what seems to be an old bit of palm-sixed junk (Unless you're playing the remake, in which case we already know it's part of an artifact that proves the existance of Atlantis. Thanks for the spoiler, guys.)

Lara's motivation behind all this is to avenge her father's work, as he died trying to figure out how his wife blew herself to bits, despite the fact that both are alive and well and living in a different mansion, having disinherited Lara.

Peru Arc

Lara climbs a snowy mountain in a desert country (and in less clothes than common sense would dictate you'd wear to a snowy mountain). She then proceeds to massecre a pack of wolves after they eat a random redshirt with a single in-game line before entering Qualopec's Tomb. On her way through, she shoots her way through more wolves, who had apparently survived generations of inbreeding by eating bats.

Further in, she finds possibly the last living dinosaurs on the face of the earth, and proceeds to tell the scientific community about the hugest archaological find in the history of histor- oh wait, no she doesn't, she kills them all. After which, she goes through a waterfall that was apparently to painful to cross through without turning off. (WATERFALLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY)

Upon entering the center of the tomb, we learn a few things. For instance, we learn that garish pink and yellow must have been the popular colors at the time this castle was built, and that Altlanteans liked to live with challenges, such as filling their bedrooms with large poisonous spikes.

After getting raped by a mummified cat, Lara steals the first piece and rips off of Indiana Jones a bit as she flees from the Temple-collapses-due-to-the-difference-of-a-single-ounce-of-pressure device that seems to have been so popular with tombs at the time. Thanks God dust doesn't exist in video games.

As she leaves the temple, Lara encounters the offensive stereotype from earlier, and defeats him by sitting on his face. What a horrible punishment.

Rome Arc

Apparently stealing a priceless artifact, destroying a millenia-old temple, making a species extinct and beating up a man isn't good enough for Lara, so she decides to rip off The Matrix and break into Natla's Office, which leads her to Rome.

Specifically, a monastery where the monks have somehow deduced (God knows how) that their monastery is built on top of a second Atlantean tomb, because, frankly, all men of the cloth like to do some archaeology every now and then. Whoever it was was kind enough to hide all the keys and re-reverse all the switches, so we spend a long time rummaging around for said keys before we can go on.

After having several gunfights with a French Highlander and swimming around in a old sewer filled with flying crocodiles, Lara enters the tomb of Tea-Hoe-Can, and fights his meaty centuars. They pass their powers on to Lara, and she finally kills the Frenchlander, as there can be only one. She steals the second piece from the dead man's corpse and combines the two. Apparently, this allowed her to find some thousand-year-old shrooms, and she begins to hallucinate.

After several disjointed images, we learn that one of the three Atlantean Rulers was being naughty (take a guess who) and had her piece of the Scion thrown (yep, thrown) across several continents, oceans, and centuries to land in on a pedestal in the middle of an Egyptian Tomb in Lara's Eye.

Egypt Arc

NOTHING HAPPENS

Well, almost nothing. There's mostly just glaring white, some mummies, lots of boredom, and our favorite stereotype, whom Lara finally finishes off, and looks very badass like doing so, rather than being wracked with grief over killing a villain. She steals the final piece of the Scion before having stolen from her by Natla's final stereotypes: a teenager from the city, (because, frankly, all teenagers talk like that) and a big scary black man (because, frankly, all black people are big and scary).

Fed up with the stereotyping, Lara runs away. Depending on which version of the game you have, Lara either does a cinematic swan-dive off the cliff, or an anti-climactic jump. She magically teleports to her motorcycle and speeds off in hot pursuit. Somehow, the guys standing on deck don't the roaring engine or see the scantily-clad heroine make a jump to their yacht, because, Lara is able to take a quick nap in the cargo hold.

Atlantis Arc

Lara finds herself in Natla's mines. We never actually find out what it is they're mining. Maybe it's some kind of secret mineral the mutant army needs. Or maybe it's coal, and we've been in Britain this whole time. She kills the scary black man and the fool on the skateboard, and steals his military-grade weaponry. You can figure out yourself how this punk got weapons used by the army.

After entering the solid-gold pyramid of Atlantis and fighting a meaty version of herself, Lara learns that Natla is the final ruler of Atlantis (what a shock) andand that she wants to use the Scion to cause everyone in the world to have meaty cat-babies and take over the world (M. Bison: OF COURSE!!!).

Lara opens fire on the Scion, causing Natla to attempt suicide, and leaving Lara to fight a... let's call it a Whatsit, shall we? Lara slowly defeats the Whatsit, causing the Pyramid to begin to collapse. Lara looks for a way out and runs into Natla, back from hell to take her revenge. And now her arm's a gun. sure, why not?

Lara crushes Natla with a pillar (because the lava did such good work), and leaves her to die in the ensuing explosion. Lara engages in some boat-jacking and decides to call it a day.


End file.
